These are just some of the things I have been pondering of the past few weeks, it might not flow fully but its my heart and mind:
I have learned a lot these past few weeks. It is difficult to loose a child. Even if it is a child you have never physically laid eyes on except through an ultrasound machine. But I did love my child. I learned that there are many women who have experienced miscarriages. Many of whom do not speak of such things because they feel like a failure. I have learned that we arent failures, its sometimes Gods way, even if we do not understand why.
There is a taboo in the world to talk about the fact you had a miscarriage. But the amazing thing is that when one woman comes about sharing her grief because of a recent loss of an unborn child, Women come out of the woodwork comforting the one in a way only those who have gone through it know. There are no words to say. As I came home that awful day from the doctor’s office, my dad hugged me as I sobbed on his chest. He and my mom lost one right before I came around. He whisphered in a choked up voice “The Lord gives and the taketh away”. My sister who lost one around the same time I lost ours came into my room;she just hugged me, while I sobbed on her shoulder with my husband crying in corner of our room, she understood.
We do not know why these things happen. And some ladies experience multiple miscarriages without ever being able to conceive. We live in a fallen world. When Adam sinned, death came into the world (Rom 5:12). All I know is that God is good. He is gracious and merciful to those who follow him. He loves us so much that he himself died so that we could live.
As Gary was dealing with his broken heart of the loss of our child, he was reminded of the story of David. David also mourned.(2 Samuel 12) While the child was sick he did not eat, he laid on the ground and mourned for his child, but when the Lord finally took the child, David got up, cleaned himself and worshipped God. Why, why would he do this. His servants asked him the same question. He replied “Can I bring my child back from the dead?” Its true. Only God can do that. And he has his reasons for the things he does. For me I mourned that whole weekend. Everything brought me to tears. I prayed that somehow God would be bring the child in side of me back to life. I even asked my Dr to do another ultrasound, partly because I just didn’t believe it. He graciously did. After my D and C that Monday my heart was not in pain any more. As my Doctor took my lifeless child from my body God was filling up the hole and healing the pain with his hopes and promises. You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever. (Psalm 30:10-12)
I am still sad about the death of our child, but we are blessed to have one arrow in our quiver and we hope and pray that the Lord will continue to fill up our quiver. But if he chooses not to do so, our one arrow is pretty great. Oh she is a sinner, I see it daily and more often these days ( I think she has the Caines temper and strong will). But what JOY does she bring. Her smiles and laughter can brighten anyone's day.