Friday, November 22, 2013

The Unthinkable

You know that moment when you just are numb, you don't know what to think, what to say. Your eyes are all cried out. you are just numb. That is where I am at at this moment...I feel numb.

I had my 10 week check today. I love my doctor, he is a godly christian man. I am friends with his wife. But as he was searching for a heartbeat his face became downcast, I could tell something was wrong. He apologetically said "Ruth, there is no heart beat." In my manner of putting up a wall and trying not to show emotion in public I said " its ok". He said lovingly but sternly, "No, no its not ok"

Its not ok, but there is nothing I can do, my heart is broken, Gary's heart is broken. But as Lilly got up from her nap with a smile on her face and laughter exploding from her mouth,  and a big hug for me not knowing anything about what is going. Her laughter filled my heart. I am blessed to have a daughter alive and well.

The baby seems to have stopped growing in the past 2 weeks and has now left this world. I do not know if babies go to heaven, or if they don't and we will never truly know, but I would love to believe and hope that my baby is in the Lords arms, playing with his cousin who passed away at around the same age, and Granddaddy Caines and Uncle Lennon are watching over him (or her).

My heart is broken, I have had friends who have lost babies, and I was saddened by their loss. But now I know and understand the unthinkable pain that they went through. My heart is broken.  My eyes are weary from crying. All I can say is "Come Lord Jesus, Come"