The Lord Gives and the Lord Taketh away

These are just some of the things I have been pondering of the past few weeks, it might not flow fully but its my heart and mind: 

I have learned a lot these past few weeks. It is difficult to loose a child. Even if it is a child you have never physically laid eyes on except through an ultrasound machine. But I did love my child. I learned that there are many women who have experienced miscarriages. Many of whom do not speak of such things because they feel like a failure. I have learned that we arent failures, its sometimes Gods way, even if we do not understand why.

There is a taboo in the world to talk about the fact you had a miscarriage. But the amazing thing is that when one woman comes about sharing her grief because of a recent loss of an unborn child, Women come out of the woodwork comforting the one in a way only those who have gone through it know. There are no words to say. As I came home that awful day from the doctor’s office, my dad hugged me as I sobbed on his chest. He and my mom lost one right before I came around. He whisphered in a choked up voice “The Lord gives and the taketh away”. My sister who lost one around the same time I lost ours came into my room;she just hugged me, while I sobbed on her shoulder with my husband crying in corner of our room, she understood.

We do not know why these things happen. And some ladies experience multiple miscarriages without ever being able to conceive. We live in a fallen world. When Adam sinned, death came into the world (Rom 5:12). All I know is that God is good. He is gracious and merciful to those who follow him. He loves us so much that he himself died so that we could live.

As Gary was dealing with his broken heart of the loss of our child, he was reminded of the story of David. David also mourned.(2 Samuel 12) While the child was sick he did not eat, he laid on the ground and mourned for his child, but when the Lord finally took the child, David got up, cleaned himself and worshipped God. Why, why would he do this. His servants asked him the same question. He replied “Can I bring my child back from the dead?” Its true. Only God can do that. And he has his reasons for the things he does. For me I mourned that whole weekend. Everything brought me to tears. I prayed that somehow God would be bring the child in side of me back to life. I even asked my Dr to do another ultrasound, partly because I just didn’t believe it. He graciously did. After my D and C that Monday my heart was not in pain any more. As my Doctor took my lifeless child from my body God was filling up the hole and healing the pain with his hopes and promises. You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever. (Psalm 30:10-12)

I am still sad about the death of our child, but we are blessed to have one arrow in our quiver and we hope and pray that the Lord will continue to fill up our quiver. But if he chooses not to do so, our one arrow is pretty great. Oh she is a sinner, I see it daily and more often these days ( I think she has the Caines temper and strong will). But what JOY does she bring.  Her smiles and laughter can brighten anyone's day.

The Unthinkable

You know that moment when you just are numb, you don't know what to think, what to say. Your eyes are all cried out. you are just numb. That is where I am at at this moment...I feel numb.

I had my 10 week check today. I love my doctor, he is a godly christian man. I am friends with his wife. But as he was searching for a heartbeat his face became downcast, I could tell something was wrong. He apologetically said "Ruth, there is no heart beat." In my manner of putting up a wall and trying not to show emotion in public I said " its ok". He said lovingly but sternly, "No, no its not ok"

Its not ok, but there is nothing I can do, my heart is broken, Gary's heart is broken. But as Lilly got up from her nap with a smile on her face and laughter exploding from her mouth,  and a big hug for me not knowing anything about what is going. Her laughter filled my heart. I am blessed to have a daughter alive and well.

The baby seems to have stopped growing in the past 2 weeks and has now left this world. I do not know if babies go to heaven, or if they don't and we will never truly know, but I would love to believe and hope that my baby is in the Lords arms, playing with his cousin who passed away at around the same age, and Granddaddy Caines and Uncle Lennon are watching over him (or her).

My heart is broken, I have had friends who have lost babies, and I was saddened by their loss. But now I know and understand the unthinkable pain that they went through. My heart is broken.  My eyes are weary from crying. All I can say is "Come Lord Jesus, Come"

Coming JUNE 2014

Well I just by chance thought I would take a pregnancy test, for no other reason except I was a couple days late and I felt exhausted. I am never regular so I was expecting it to negative, But it was positive. We couldn't be more excited to welcome another little Isaacs into the world. I have hunch that its a BOY, but we will have to wait to see.

Homeward Bound

I have always been the adventures type, pretty much up for anything. (except anything to do with my feet dangling and the possibility of plummeting to the ground).

I love seeing new places and meeting new people. My mom says I am a lot like my Aunt Candy. I am not sure if that is true, since as much as I like meeting new people I am not much of an extrovert, more of an introvert, who doesn't mind meeting new people.

When Gary and I met and got married we both decided that we would be living in South Africa. I made my peace about not seeing my family very often, but then I had a baby. Lilly has brought so much joy in my life, but she has also brought that homesick feeling that I have rarely ever gotten in my life. I have missed not being able to call my sisters or mom about advice, instead I have to send an email and wait 7 +/- hrs for a response on what to do with this or that. I have grown up a lot and had to rely on my husband, which has been a great time to grow and develop our friendship and love for one another, but I still felt homesick. I still struggled with the concept that might possibly never know my daughter. The precious little girl that she is. That if we have another one, that my parents might not be able to come for a visit because the last trip was so hard on them. Or the fact that we might never be able to make it to the states because it just costs way to much. All these worries were making me more and more homesick. With all my other adventures I always knew that I would be headed back home. But with this one, I knew I had to make a home here, I had to be content and happy here. And I was and am...As long as I have Gary with me and Lilly, I will always be home. But my US family I was missing more then i thought I could.

Gary started feeling like he need to continue his studies, and that he wanted to be mentored by a pastor, since he wasn't working under any one here even though he was a pastoral intern. He has learned A LOT these 2.5 yrs, but there is a lot more for him to learn before he feels confident to lead a church on his own.

In December 2012 Gary and I started to pray and talk more about moving to the states. We finally made a firm decision that we were going to pursue Gary's green card and Lilly's US citizenship. It was quite a process, but thankfully it is over now. Gary has his visa, and we are moving HOME (for me). I worry that Gary will feel as homesick as I felt here. But by Gods grace, I know how he will feel and I know how to comfort him.

I am looking forward to being home with my family, and i can't wait to see where the Lord will lead us as a family during this next great adventure in our lives. This will be the first time I will be home as a mother and wife, so it will be a different change for me, but I am ready.

BIG DAY

Can you guess which bottle Mommy picked out and which one daddy picked out? (to be fair they only had 2 choices when Daddy went to get a new one and we already had the one so he got the other one)

So today was a big day for the Isaacs or should I say Mommy and Lilly.
Lilly has been using a bottle since she was 6 months old. She loves her bottle and I was nervous whether or not she would give it up or not. Several months ago after fighting Lilly to use a sippy cup we bought a straw cup for her tea and juice. She loved it and it has worked very well. Today daddy came home with a new one and she didn't have her milk in a bottle except for the one in the morning! SO NO MORE BOTTLES...

Also after fighting naps all day yesterday, Gary and I decided maybe she was trying to drop her morning nap :( (makes me kind of sad because that was when I would get stuff done, now I have to reschedule my day). Today she only took one nap it wasn't very long either. but She made it til 8 tonight but fell asleep while I was praying with her.

What a day! One nap and No Bottles! My little MUNCHKIN is growing up.

2 years

Three years ago I stepped off a plane and took my first steps in Cape Town, South Africa. Never did I imagine that those steps would change my life forever. Shortly after landing in Cape Town I met a guy. I didn't realize at the point that this man would become my best friend.

Gary and I have celebrated our 2^nd anniversary. I can’t believe it has been 2 years. I can’t believe its been 3 years since I met him. I remember unpacking my bags in my room and this guy knocks on the door and asked if I just moved on to campus. I didn't remember his name, but I remembered his smile. That Smile continued and the friendship blossomed. I didn't think anything of it until one evening he asked me to join him to go to a rugby game…The thing is I had to wake up at 5:30

am, because the little league game started at 7. I thought it was strange that he asked me to go, but I had asked me a while before if he would teach me rugby. I just thought that this was the way he was going to do it.

We became better and better friends. I use to work on my art projects for kids club in the Kitchen, because there were big tables. Gary would come in at night to get something hot to drink. He joined my often and sat a talked to me as I did my posters. One Day he invited me to take a walk with him. I didn’t know that that walk would change my life forever. He told me on that walk that he wanted to pursue a relationship with me and he wanted to marry me.

These 2 years of marriage, have not been easy. But they have been wonderful. We have struggled in many ways, but God has blessed us beyond what we deserve or could imagine.

Gary, you are my best friend; in those times where I have felt alone and isolated you where always there beside me. You are a wonderful husband, and a wonderful daddy. I am so blessed that the Lord saw fit to bring you into my life. I love you more than anything in this world. We have made through 2 years, and I cannot wait to see were the next 50 take us, together, hand in hand in hand with GOD.

Training UP!

Most Easters I take time to reflect and spend time in God's wonderment leading up to Easter Sunday. But this Easter It just seems as if it just crept in with out me getting a chance to even ponder what a glorious thing that Christ did for me. Since Lilly was born it seems as if my days go by to fast keeping track of the clock and either waiting for the next nap time or when she should be waking up. She is a a huge blessing in my life, but this Easter, instead of focusing on my sinfulness and how the Lord took the pain and Punishment I should have received I have been thinking more about training my daughter up. It is tough work. Discipline has been such a challenge for me. More then I thought it would have been. Lilly is generally a very good little girl. But She still requires to be trained in the way she should go. But I got into a discipline debate with some mommies who believe that Spanking shouldn't start until a child is 3, which is a whole other story.  but the debate got me to really think about How the Lord still disciplines and train us in the way we should go even as adults. The Learning Processes never stops. God sometimes uses "spankings" with us to learn that what we are doing is disobedient  but sometimes he uses it to save us. I don't spank Lilly when she try's to grab my cup of tea because what she is doing in BAD, but because if she pulls in top of her she will get burned and be in a lot pain. I spank her because I don't want her to get hurt. I am give a moment of barely any pain in order to save her from what could be days of pain or more. God does the same things to us as Christians.  God uses situations in our lives that are very painful but if we kept going in that path we could have been hurt even more. I am not saying that all painful things in our lives is God disciplining us, but he is training us. For What? I don't know. and I don't know if we will always be 100% certain of Why things happen the way they do. Sometimes its just so that we can learn to trust and lean on him more. I know that I don't always take things to HIM straight away, I try to fix things myself which usually makes things worse. But I know that those times when I bad situation happens and I sit and pray and give it over to God things start to become more clear on what the right thing is to do. And things generally start to work out better then I had planned or imagined

As I learn and fumble on how to train my daughter up in the ways she should go, I am humbled by how hard it is. but the Lord does it for each and everyone of his children, He even took the harshest punishment upon himself so that we could live.

 I pray that  the things that Gary and I have failed at as parents The Lord will take over and Show Lilly grace and bring her in to his Covenantal Family and train her up to be a Woman of Proverbs 31.

The Joys of Working from Home

Lilly is a very sweet little girl. She loves people and is very sociable, but her two favorite people in the World are me and Gary. Of course that is who takes care of her so naturally that is right. We have been blessed these past few years to have Gary be able to work from home.  He does go to work a few times a week, to lead bible studies, but he is home 75% of the week. Lilly recently has realized what it looks like if Gary is leaving.  She gets very clingy to him and follows him all over the house until he does eventually leave. And when he does go out the door, she sits at the door and looks longingly or starts to cry. She doesn't really know what it is like to have mommy or daddy gone from her...Usually mommy is with her all the time except for the those short 3 hrs on Wed when I go and tutor and Memaw watches her. So its hard for her when Daddy leaves and she isn't going with....She usually always goes with.

Today Gary is working on his Good Friday Sermon in the bedroom. He has the door shut…Lilly all day today couldn't figure out why the door was actually shut. After I took Gary his tea, I didn't latch the door and Lilly was able to push it open. You would have thought she had just won a million dollars. It was a huge smile on her face to see Daddy sitting behind the closed door. 

One Year of being a Mommy

 Can it really be a year already? I just can't fathom. This year has been wonderful. New learning experiences. and I finally feel like I am getting the hang of this motherhood thing. But what happen to that tiny little baby we brought home from the hospital this time last year.

She has blossomed into a beautiful little Girl. She is full of life. She loves to play, she loves to dance. She wants her mommy involved in what she is doing, but she is ok going off into her room to play by herself. She is weaned. As much as I didn't enjoy nursing, I miss those moments of snuggling with her. Now she doesn't sit still long enough to even finish her bottle at one go, she takes a good 45 mins of coming back and forth to her bottle. She wants to walk every where, except she really isn't confident to do it by her self just yet. and as much as I would love for her to walk independently I am missing my little baby girl so much. No its not time for Gary and I to have another one. As much as I would love it, its just not a good time for us, with all the changes that will take place this year. But Lilly is no longer a baby, she is a toddler. And this mommy's heart is sore because of it. I have to say I don't miss the multiple middle of night feeds, and explosive diapers in the middle of the night, or the I can't get this kid to go back to sleep moments; but I do miss the little baby girl. But I am grateful that I am a mommy. I have always wanted this, and I am enjoying it so much. She is learning more and more everyday. and even though she just babels, we talk often. and I love it. I love her big toothless smile, and Her CRAZY hair, and her sweet personality. She will always be my first baby, the one that made me a mommy. I love you Lillian Christine. God truly has blessed me by putting you into my life and making me your mommy.

Photo Dump 1

Mommy's baby is getting too BIG

 My baby girl is almost 11 months old...Where has the time gone? She has almost completely weaned herself. She only nurses in the morning these days and gets bottles the rest of the day and for bed time.

 Its a little heart breaking for this mommy; My favorite time with Lilly has always been when i would feed her and rock her before I put her in her crib for bed. But lately, as soon as her bottle is empty she sit right up and reaches for her bed. Doesn't she realize mommy wants to Snuggle. She is my baby and I need her snuggle, I want her to snuggle...This mommy loves snuggling, and her baby girl just doesn't want to do it anymore at night; if her bed is near by and she is tired, she wants her bed.

She is a mommy's girl She doesn't like mommy to do things with out her. She reminds me a lot of Aunt Gretchen: She plays with her hair when she gets tired, she hates to be hot, and she wants mommy close by. I am grateful though that she will stay with Granddad and Memaw with out any issues. (which isn't like Aunt Gretchen, more like her mommy). She loves music, and dances as soon as she hears the set of notes. We have been watching "friends" lately and as soon as the them song comes on Lilly starts dancing. It is so cute.

She isn't walking yet, but she pulls up on EVERYTHING (even kids just a few months older then her) and wants to CLIMB everything. Yesterday at Church, Gary was in the office printing the bulletins for Sunday and I was getting the hall ready for Bible Study, Lilly was playing quietly on the floor. But the next thing I know she has crawled into the sanctuary and up the steps and is on the stage. The problem with this is is she doesn't know how to get back down. I have tried to show her, but when I try to move her she thinks I am picking her up. I know she will get the hang of it eventually.

She is still Tiny. We haven't taken her into the nurse to get weighed, but I am guessing she is around 6.5 to 7 kg ( 14.3-15.5 lbs). She is still in 3-6 months clothes and she still wears some 0-3 month as long as they are T shirts or Shorts and not Onsies. She is going to be smaller then I was at a year, but that is ok. She loves to eat and loves her bottles, she is just tiny. Her daddy was a small baby as well, so she doesn't have much hope. Just hoping if we have boys they get Uncle Davids genes in the height area. Except soccer players don't need to be tall :)

She is the cutest baby in the world and I love her.