A new space for my thoughts

I started a new blog since the web address for this one is grace in south Africa and we no longer live in South Africa. I am trying to be better about posting more often, so if your interested here it is

www.mammasmemoirs.blogspot.com

New blog

Well I started a new blog, hopefully I will be better  about writing in it. But if you are at all interested here is the link. I hope it to be more of a daily   encounter or at least monthly.  Here it is The Isaacs Tribe

The Lord Gives and the Lord Taketh away

These are just some of the things I have been pondering of the past few weeks, it might not flow fully but its my heart and mind: 

I have learned a lot these past few weeks. It is difficult to loose a child. Even if it is a child you have never physically laid eyes on except through an ultrasound machine. But I did love my child. I learned that there are many women who have experienced miscarriages. Many of whom do not speak of such things because they feel like a failure. I have learned that we arent failures, its sometimes Gods way, even if we do not understand why.

There is a taboo in the world to talk about the fact you had a miscarriage. But the amazing thing is that when one woman comes about sharing her grief because of a recent loss of an unborn child, Women come out of the woodwork comforting the one in a way only those who have gone through it know. There are no words to say. As I came home that awful day from the doctor’s office, my dad hugged me as I sobbed on his chest. He and my mom lost one right before I came around. He whisphered in a choked up voice “The Lord gives and the taketh away”. My sister who lost one around the same time I lost ours came into my room;she just hugged me, while I sobbed on her shoulder with my husband crying in corner of our room, she understood.

We do not know why these things happen. And some ladies experience multiple miscarriages without ever being able to conceive. We live in a fallen world. When Adam sinned, death came into the world (Rom 5:12). All I know is that God is good. He is gracious and merciful to those who follow him. He loves us so much that he himself died so that we could live.

As Gary was dealing with his broken heart of the loss of our child, he was reminded of the story of David. David also mourned.(2 Samuel 12) While the child was sick he did not eat, he laid on the ground and mourned for his child, but when the Lord finally took the child, David got up, cleaned himself and worshipped God. Why, why would he do this. His servants asked him the same question. He replied “Can I bring my child back from the dead?” Its true. Only God can do that. And he has his reasons for the things he does. For me I mourned that whole weekend. Everything brought me to tears. I prayed that somehow God would be bring the child in side of me back to life. I even asked my Dr to do another ultrasound, partly because I just didn’t believe it. He graciously did. After my D and C that Monday my heart was not in pain any more. As my Doctor took my lifeless child from my body God was filling up the hole and healing the pain with his hopes and promises. You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever. (Psalm 30:10-12)

I am still sad about the death of our child, but we are blessed to have one arrow in our quiver and we hope and pray that the Lord will continue to fill up our quiver. But if he chooses not to do so, our one arrow is pretty great. Oh she is a sinner, I see it daily and more often these days ( I think she has the Caines temper and strong will). But what JOY does she bring.  Her smiles and laughter can brighten anyone's day.

The Unthinkable

You know that moment when you just are numb, you don't know what to think, what to say. Your eyes are all cried out. you are just numb. That is where I am at at this moment...I feel numb.

I had my 10 week check today. I love my doctor, he is a godly christian man. I am friends with his wife. But as he was searching for a heartbeat his face became downcast, I could tell something was wrong. He apologetically said "Ruth, there is no heart beat." In my manner of putting up a wall and trying not to show emotion in public I said " its ok". He said lovingly but sternly, "No, no its not ok"

Its not ok, but there is nothing I can do, my heart is broken, Gary's heart is broken. But as Lilly got up from her nap with a smile on her face and laughter exploding from her mouth,  and a big hug for me not knowing anything about what is going. Her laughter filled my heart. I am blessed to have a daughter alive and well.

The baby seems to have stopped growing in the past 2 weeks and has now left this world. I do not know if babies go to heaven, or if they don't and we will never truly know, but I would love to believe and hope that my baby is in the Lords arms, playing with his cousin who passed away at around the same age, and Granddaddy Caines and Uncle Lennon are watching over him (or her).

My heart is broken, I have had friends who have lost babies, and I was saddened by their loss. But now I know and understand the unthinkable pain that they went through. My heart is broken.  My eyes are weary from crying. All I can say is "Come Lord Jesus, Come"

Coming JUNE 2014

Well I just by chance thought I would take a pregnancy test, for no other reason except I was a couple days late and I felt exhausted. I am never regular so I was expecting it to negative, But it was positive. We couldn't be more excited to welcome another little Isaacs into the world. I have hunch that its a BOY, but we will have to wait to see.

Homeward Bound

I have always been the adventures type, pretty much up for anything. (except anything to do with my feet dangling and the possibility of plummeting to the ground).

I love seeing new places and meeting new people. My mom says I am a lot like my Aunt Candy. I am not sure if that is true, since as much as I like meeting new people I am not much of an extrovert, more of an introvert, who doesn't mind meeting new people.

When Gary and I met and got married we both decided that we would be living in South Africa. I made my peace about not seeing my family very often, but then I had a baby. Lilly has brought so much joy in my life, but she has also brought that homesick feeling that I have rarely ever gotten in my life. I have missed not being able to call my sisters or mom about advice, instead I have to send an email and wait 7 +/- hrs for a response on what to do with this or that. I have grown up a lot and had to rely on my husband, which has been a great time to grow and develop our friendship and love for one another, but I still felt homesick. I still struggled with the concept that might possibly never know my daughter. The precious little girl that she is. That if we have another one, that my parents might not be able to come for a visit because the last trip was so hard on them. Or the fact that we might never be able to make it to the states because it just costs way to much. All these worries were making me more and more homesick. With all my other adventures I always knew that I would be headed back home. But with this one, I knew I had to make a home here, I had to be content and happy here. And I was and am...As long as I have Gary with me and Lilly, I will always be home. But my US family I was missing more then i thought I could.

Gary started feeling like he need to continue his studies, and that he wanted to be mentored by a pastor, since he wasn't working under any one here even though he was a pastoral intern. He has learned A LOT these 2.5 yrs, but there is a lot more for him to learn before he feels confident to lead a church on his own.

In December 2012 Gary and I started to pray and talk more about moving to the states. We finally made a firm decision that we were going to pursue Gary's green card and Lilly's US citizenship. It was quite a process, but thankfully it is over now. Gary has his visa, and we are moving HOME (for me). I worry that Gary will feel as homesick as I felt here. But by Gods grace, I know how he will feel and I know how to comfort him.

I am looking forward to being home with my family, and i can't wait to see where the Lord will lead us as a family during this next great adventure in our lives. This will be the first time I will be home as a mother and wife, so it will be a different change for me, but I am ready.

BIG DAY

Can you guess which bottle Mommy picked out and which one daddy picked out? (to be fair they only had 2 choices when Daddy went to get a new one and we already had the one so he got the other one)

So today was a big day for the Isaacs or should I say Mommy and Lilly.
Lilly has been using a bottle since she was 6 months old. She loves her bottle and I was nervous whether or not she would give it up or not. Several months ago after fighting Lilly to use a sippy cup we bought a straw cup for her tea and juice. She loved it and it has worked very well. Today daddy came home with a new one and she didn't have her milk in a bottle except for the one in the morning! SO NO MORE BOTTLES...

Also after fighting naps all day yesterday, Gary and I decided maybe she was trying to drop her morning nap :( (makes me kind of sad because that was when I would get stuff done, now I have to reschedule my day). Today she only took one nap it wasn't very long either. but She made it til 8 tonight but fell asleep while I was praying with her.

What a day! One nap and No Bottles! My little MUNCHKIN is growing up.